Gender creative parenting: a conversation with Kyl Myers

Gender creative parenting: a conversation with Kyl Myers

Podcast:

https://www.alexiantaffi.com/podcast

SOURCE:

https://www.alexiantaffi.com/podcast(accessed 29.07.25)

Dating a Trans Person

https://megjohnandjustin.com/gender/dating-trans-person/#more-492

In this week’s podcast we answer the following question:

I’m an older queer guy who’s just started dating a really lovely trans man. Apart from talking to him, which we are doing, where can I get helpful advice and insight into my own “stuff”? I came out late in life – and I am not really used to a lot of the gay scene – which is probably an advantage! Any advice or comments gratefully received 🙂



Here’s a quick summary of some of the ideas we discuss.
Everyone is different

One key idea we talk about here is that often the best advice about how to date, have sex with, or otherwise relate to a trans person (or any other person with specific experiences) is actually what’s best for everyone. For example, it’s always best to assume that the person you’re dating will have a different body to anyone you’ve been with before, which will work in different ways, and that they’ll likely have different sexual desires – if any, and a different relationship to gender. Making those assumptions about anybody is a good starting position. That’s why we don’t give specific advice about trans people, disabled folk, people of certain sexualities, etc. in our book Enjoy Sex.
Transphobic, cisnormative culture

That said, we do live in a wider culture which assumes that certain identities, bodies, experiences, desires, etc. are ‘normal’ and which marginalises, objectifies, and or stigmatises others. That has an impact on everyone. In the case of trans, it’s generally assumed that people will remain in the gender they were assigned at birth (i.e. be cisgender), and trans genders are often seen as somehow debateable in a way that cis genders aren’t. Sadly the rates of hate crimes against trans people, and relatedly mental health problems among trans people remain alarmingly high. For example Stonewall recently found that eight out of ten young trans people had been bullied, one in ten had received death threats and – unsurprisingly given that – almost half had attempted suicide at some point.

That is going to have an impact on people in relationships. It can mean that trans people are particularly likely to have gone through tough stuff in their lives, and all the implications of that. It can mean that cis people have internalised some of the sensationalist and negative messages about trans people. For example it’s worth checking in with yourself about whether you have any assumptions about a trans partner, or whether you’re objectifying them or seeing them mostly through the lens of their transness, rather than as a full human being.
Power imbalances

There are power imbalances in pretty much all relationships which can make it easier or harder for each person to consent to things (e.g. where they want to go on a date, if they want to have sex, etc.) So in a relationship where one person is trans it’s worth having conversations about the potential impact of such dynamics, and how a cisgender partner can make it as easy as possible for them to be open about where they’re at. Of course there will be many other intersections in play in any relationship which are also worth discussing in this way, e.g. differences in age, class background, first language, etc.
Networks and communities

Different groups, networks, and communities will be more or less clued up about gender. If your own family and/or friendship group isn’t very aware it’s worth thinking about how best to navigate that if you’re going to be introducing a trans partner to them. They shouldn’t have to be doing the emotional labour of dealing with transphobic comments, or educating people. Not all trans people are open about being trans – some see it very much as something in their past, for example. So never tell anybody someone’s trans status without being absolutely sure that’s okay with them. If they are open, then it’s worth doing some checking out with any individuals or groups you’re hoping to introduce them to. If those people aren’t safe-enough then they don’t have to meet. If they do want to meet, perhaps they can do a bit of 101 education before they do so. There’s some great introductory stuff online on places like Gendered Intelligence, Everyday Feminism, and Julia Serano’s website.

If you want to engage with queer, gay, or LGBTQIA+ communities, spaces or events then again it’s worth checking out which are fully trans aware and inclusive. Sadly not all are yet. It’s often better to be reassured in advance than going along to something where a performer makes transphobic comments, or another attendee asks inappropriate questions.
Find out more

The book that Meg-John wrote with Alex Iantaffi is a great starting point for thinking about your own gender, and how you relate to other people’s genders. You can find details – and our podcast about it – here.

SOURCE:

https://megjohnandjustin.com/gender/dating-trans-person/#more-492(accessed 14.07.25)

Women Are More Likely Than Men To Be Told “White Lies” In Performance Reviews

By Emily Reynolds

It’s not uncommon to tell a white lie at work: why you took a slightly too-long lunch break or how much you’ve really done on that big project. Often, white lies are socially useful — telling someone that you like what they’re wearing is probably a kinder option than admitting that you hate it, for example.

When it comes to performance reviews, however, white lies are less beneficial. The whole point of such a review is to help improve how someone is working and identify and mitigate potential problems, so lying defeats the object. And according to a new study from Cornell University’s Lily Jampol and Vivian Zayas, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, it’s women who most often bear the brunt of untruthful performance reviews.

To build on previous research suggesting that women and men receive different kinds of performance evaluations, the team recruited 182 participants who read a hypothetical scenario in which a manager was giving feedback to an underperforming employee. They learnt that the manager had six feedback options to choose from, ranging from the most truthful and harshest statement (which most closely matched the manager’s actual evaluation of the employee’s poor performance), to the nicest but least truthful statement. Participants were randomly assigned to one of six conditions in which they saw a check mark next to the feedback that was actually given.

Participants then guessed whether the employee was male or female, and were asked to indicate what the manager’s perceptions were of the worker’s warmth, sincerity, confidence and competence. They also rated how likely the manager would be to assign an important task to the employee in the future.

As expected, participants tended to assume that employees shown less accurate but kinder feedback were women: two-thirds of participants believed that an employee given the least truthful but nicest evaluation was a woman, for instance, while just 7% thought that an employee given the most truthful and harshest feedback was female. Results also suggested some stereotyping around gender and traits: those who believed the employee was a woman also believed that the manager perceived her to be less confident, and as feedback got kinder and less accurate were more likely to assume the manager perceived her as warm.

A second study looked at whether people would actually be more likely to tell white lies to under-performing women than under-performing men. First, 66 participants read and rated two mediocre essays they were told had just been written by a pair of students participating remotely (in actual fact, there were no real writers taking part). Initially, participants evaluated these essays from 0 to 100% on dimensions like “focus” and “logic”, providing feedback only to the researchers.

At this point, the first names of each writer were revealed: Sarah and Andrew. Participants were then asked to provide ratings directly to each writer, and give some feedback, which independent coders rated on positivity and constructiveness. Participants also rated the writers on warmth, competence and future ability, and indicated what percentage of the truth they believed they had told Sarah or Andrew.

Mirroring results from the first study, participants were more likely to tell white lies to the writer they believed was a woman, with participants giving Sarah more favourable evaluations during the second phase of the experiment than during the first. Participants rating Andrew showed no difference in evaluation. Feedback for Sarah was also more positive than feedback for Andrew. Interestingly, the majority of participants (65%) were aware of having told white lies, but also reported that they gave equally truthful feedback to Sarah and Andrew, suggesting a lack of awareness of the gendered dimension.

Given the biases many women still face in the workplace, the results seem counterintuitive – surely women are rated less kindly than male colleagues? The team argues that gender stereotypes are at play here. Women are often perceived as less confident than their male counterparts, as this study showed. A manager may therefore decide to lie because they believe they will be boosting a female employee’s low confidence. Another suggestion is that women are still seen as a low-powered group: criticism, therefore, may be perceived as needless denigration.

Either way, such “benevolent sexism” is not helpful. Though on the surface a kinder performance evaluation may seem positive, it may be holding women back, failing to explain how they could improve at work. It can also feed into ideas that women are inferior or subordinate to men and therefore need protecting.

Whereas other parts of HR or management processes have used techniques such as blind hiring to remove bias, it’s harder to see what kinds of adaptations could be made to tackle these tendencies – you can’t give blind performance evaluations, after all. Understanding more about how women experience benevolent and non-benevolent sexism is a start, but there’s much more work to be done to eradicate many obstacles in their way.

SOURCE:

https://digest.bps.org.uk/2020/06/02/women-are-more-likely-than-men-to-be-told-white-lies-in-performance-reviews/#more-39708(accessed 3.6.20)

Why I must come out

When fashion model Geena Rocero first saw a photo of herself in a bikini, "I thought ... you have arrived!" As she reveals, that’s because she was born with the gender assignment “boy.” In this moving talk, Rocero tells the story of becoming who she always knew she was.

VIDEO:

http://www.ted.com/talks/geena_rocero_why_i_must_come_out

SOURCE:

http://www.ted.com/talks/geena_rocero_why_i_must_come_out(accessed 27.2.16)