Τελικά γιατί μπορεί να μη πάνε όλα ρόδινα με το/η σύντροφο στις καλοκαιρινές διακοπές;

Γράφει η Ίντα Ελιάου,

Συμβουλευτική Ψυχολόγος (BSc, MSc, PGDip.,MA)



Το καλοκαίρι θα μπορούσε να χαρακτηριστεί ως 'το παραμύθι των ενηλίκων'. Πριν καλά καλά τελειώσει αρχίζουμε και ονειρευόμαστε το επόμενο καλοκαίρι αφού στο μυαλό μας ισοδυναμεί με διακοπές, ξεκούραση, χαλάρωση και διασκέδαση. Η ωραιοποίηση αυτή του καλοκαιριού φτάνει στο αποκορύφωμά της κατά τις καλοκαιρινές διακοπές. Οι καλοκαιρινές διακοπές αποτελούν την όαση μέσα στην έρημο του εργασιακού μας έτους, όπου φτάνουμε λαχανιασμένοι, κουρασμένοι και διψασμένοι, πλημμυρισμένοι από ενθουσιασμό και προσδοκία. Ανυπομονούμε να αποχωριστούμε την συσσωρευμένη κούραση του χειμώνα και να πυροδοτήσουμε το πάθος και την ξεγνοιασιά στις διαπροσωπικές μας σχέσεις οι οποίες βρίσκονται ακόμα σε χειμερία νάρκη αφού δεν είχαμε ως τώρα το χρόνο να τις ξυπνήσουμε. Έχουμε ανάγκη από μια αλλαγή του σκηνικού που μόνοι μας με τόσο κόπο στήσαμε, για να φορτίσουμε τις μπαταρίες μας και ίσως να θυμηθούμε έστω και για λίγο πως αγαπιόμαστε και πως μπορούμε να ξεκουραστούμε και να περάσουμε μαζί όχι απλά όμορφα, αλλά υπέροχα!

Το παραμύθι ακούγεται μαγικό! Πόσο εφικτό είναι όμως; Πόσο ρεαλιστικό είναι να αποβάλουμε όλο το άγχος και την κούραση μιας ολόκληρης χρονιάς μέσα σε πέντε μόνο μέρες ή να κατεβάσουμε το διακόπτη και να ξεχάσουμε τα προβλήματα και τις δυσκολίες μέσα στη σχέση μας και να ξαναερωτευτούμε; Τι το διαφορετικό έχουν αυτές οι πέντε μέρες από τις υπόλοιπες 359 του έτους;

Η ξεγνοιασιά μπορεί να γίνει και πονοκέφαλος;

Οι διακοπές σχεδόν πάντα ξεκινούν με τις καλύτερες προϋποθέσεις αλλά και διαθέσεις. Για ένα μεγάλο μέρος ανθρώπων όμως αποτελούν μια απλή αφορμή πυροδότησης προβλημάτων σε συναισθηματικό αλλά και διαπροσωπικό επίπεδο.
Προβλήματα που συσσωρεύονταν και περίμεναν τις διακοπές για να λυθούν εκ μαγείας, εντείνονται καθώς το γενικότερο κλίμα 'χαράς' των διακοπών έρχεται σε πλήρη αντίθεση με την εσωτερική μας φουρτούνα. Έτσι οι διακοπές συχνά συνοδεύονται από ή οδηγούν σε συναισθήματα άγχους, θυμού, ματαίωσης, απογοήτευσης και μελαγχολίας. Δεν είναι τυχαίο άλλωστε πως πολλά ζευγάρια επιστρέφουν στην καθημερινότητά τους είτε χωριστά είτε μαζί αλλά με φθαρμένη σχέση. Σύμφωνα με έρευνα της Εταιρείας Μελέτης Ανθρώπινης Σεξουαλικότητας (ΕΜΑΣ), (2009), το ποσοστό των ζευγαριών που χωρίζουν κατά την διάρκεια των καλοκαιρινών μηνών αγγίζει το 54%.





Γιατί μπορεί να συμβαίνει αυτό;

Λίγοι ερευνητές έχουν μελετήσει με ποιον ακριβώς τρόπο και γιατί μπορούν οι διακοπές να επηρεάσουν τόσο πολύ τις ρομαντικές μας σχέσεις. Αυτό πάντως που είναι ξεκάθαρο είναι πως διαφορετικές διαδικασίες και πράγματα μπορούν να επηρεάσουν με διαφορετικό τρόπο διαφορετικούς τύπους σχέσεων. Συγκεκριμένα, οι Morse & Neuberg, (2004) σε έρευνά τους βρήκαν πως οι διακοπές μπορούν να επηρεάσουν μια σχέση με δύο γενικούς τρόπους , ανάλογα με το είδος της σχέσης.



Πρώτον, οι διακοπές πάντα φέρουν πολλές προσδοκίες για 'σωστή' συμπεριφορά του/της συντρόφου μας. Ο/Η σύντροφος πρέπει να είναι πολύ ρομαντικός/η ή περιπετειώδης ή ήρεμος/η κ.α. Οι πολύ συγκεκριμένες αυτές προσδοκίες που άλλοι έχουμε λιγότερο και άλλοι περισσότερο, σε συνδυασμό με εναλλακτικές μορφές σχέσεων που βλέπουμε δίπλα μας στα άλλα ζευγάρια κατά τη διάρκεια των διακοπών μας, μπορούν να αποτελέσουν 'παράγοντα υποκίνησης' καθώς μπορούν να αυξήσουν ή να μειώσουν τις διαδικασίες εκείνες που επηρεάζουν μια σχέση. Για παράδειγμα, κάποιος θα μπορούσε να αρχίσει να συγκρίνει τον/ην υπερδραστήριο/α σύντροφο με τον/ην πιο ήρεμο/η σύντροφο της διπλανής παρέας και να αρχίσει να σκέφτεται τις επιλογές που θα μπορούσε να έχει εν απουσία της συνοδείας του/της με αποτέλεσμα να μειώνετε αυτομάτως η ποιότητα της σχέσης του με τον/την σύντροφο, οδηγώντας σε απογοήτευση. Με ανάλογο τρόπο αλλά προς την αντίθετη κατεύθυνση, θα μπορούσε μια σύγκριση του/της συντρόφου με τον περίγυρο να κάνει πιο έντονη την ανωτερότητα της επιλογής -πιο ομορφος/η, πιο αστείος/α κ.α.- με αποτέλεσμα να αυξηθεί η ποιότητα της σχέσης και να επέλθει ενθουσιασμός. Πρόκειται λοιπόν για μια διαδικασία σύγκρισης του/ης συντρόφου αλλά και της σχέσης με εξωτερικούς παράγοντες. Λόγο της έντασης των διακοπών που από τη φύση τους συμπιέζουν πολλά πράγματα σε μικρό χρονικό διάστημα έτσι και οι όποιες συγκρίσεις έχουν πολύ πιο έντονο χαρακτήρα απ΄οτι στην καθημερινότητα με αποτέλεσμα αυτά που μας ικανοποιούν ή μη στο/η σύντροφο να γίνονται πιο ευδιάκριτα εν παρουσία των εν δυνάμει επιλογών που μπορεί να μας ταιριάζουν περισσότερο ή λιγότερο.

Δεύτερον, οι διακοπές μπορούν να αποτελέσουν 'παράγοντα καταλύτη' εφόσον μπορούν να αλλάξουν -περιορίσουν ή αυξήσουν- τις συνηθισμένες συνέπειες που έχουν οι διεργασίες μιας σχέσης μέσα στην ίδια τη σχέση. Για παράδειγμα, οι διακοπές θα μπορούσαν να εντείνουν την ήδη υπάρχουσα ελλειμματική σεξουαλική δραστηριότητα σε μια σχέση κάτι που θα αύξανε την απόσταση μεταξύ των συντρόφων ή θα προκαλούσε επιπρόσθετες συγκρούσεις. Αντιστρόφως, οι διακοπές θα μπορούσαν να μεγεθύνουν το ήδη υπάρχοντα πάθος ή ρομαντισμό σε μια σχέση αυξάνοντας την ποιότητά του. Στο δεύτερο τρόπο λοιπόν, οι διακοπές μπορούν να αποτελέσουν μεγεθυντικό φακό στα ήδη υπάρχοντα θετικά και αρνητικά της σχέσης, ανεξαρτήτως εξωτερικών παραγόντων φέροντας αντίστοιχες αντιδράσεις και συνέπειες.

Χαρακτηριστικό παράδειγμα του 'παράγοντα καταλύτη' είναι η μόλυνση που διαρρέει στις σχέσεις μας, ακόμα και κατά την διάρκεια των διακοπών, από το φαινόμενο της προϋπάρχουσας επαγγελματικής ή και συζυγικής εξουθένωσης. Η Pines και οι συνεργάτες της (1988), έχουν ορίσει την εξουθένωση ως την κατάσταση σωματικής, συναισθηματικής και ψυχικής εξάντλησης που δημιουργείται μετά από παρατεταμένη έκθεση σε συναισθηματικά απαιτητικές καταστάσεις. Όταν οι άνθρωποι αρχίζουν και εξουθενώνονται στη δουλειά τους, απομακρύνονται από συναδέρφους και αρχίζουν να απομονώνονται καθώς αισθάνονται πως η συνεισφορά τους δεν εκτιμάται αρκετά. Ακριβώς το ίδιο συμβαίνει και στις προσωπικές τους σχέσεις βλέποντας πως οι εμπειρίες τους δεν ανταποκρίνονται στα ρομαντικά ιδανικά τους. Ακόμα όμως και αν η εξουθένωση είναι μόνο επαγγελματική φαίνεται πως γρήγορα εξαπλώνεται και στον προσωπικό τομέα. Ερευνητές έχουν αποδείξει την διάχυση της επαγγελματικής εξουθένωσης στις διαπροσωπικές σχέσεις και κυρίως στο γάμο (Hoshschild, 1999; Golembiewski, 2000; Westman, 2002), όπου συμπτώματα μείωσης υπομονής, αδυναμίας, απόγνωσης, παγίδευσης, άγχους, ευερεθιστότητας, σωματικής κόπωσης, συναισθηματικής εξάντλησης και θυμού αρχίζουν να κατευθύνονται προς τον/τη σύντροφο και τη σχέση. Ο/Η εξουθενωμένος/η σύντροφος αρχίζει να φέρει όλο και περισσότερο άδικες και μη ρεαλιστικές απαιτήσεις κάτι που αυξάνει τις συγκρούσεις και απομακρύνει το ζευγάρι. Τα συμπτώματά αυτά όπως είπαμε και πιο πάνω γίνονται πιο ευδιάκριτα και επομένως πιο έντονα στις διακοπές όπου το ζευγάρι βρίσκεται πιο πολλές ώρες μαζί και 'αναγκάζεται' να αναμιχθεί σε περισσότερες κοινές συναναστροφές έχοντας την επιπλέον πίεση για επίτευξη γαλήνης, χαράς και ηρεμίας που φέρει η ωραιοποιημένη εικόνα που προωθεί η κοινωνία μας για τις διακοπές.

Το είδος της σχέσης μας ως καθρέφτης των επιλογών μας:

Ο τρόπος και το πόσο θα επηρεαστεί μια σχέση από τους παράγοντες 'υποκίνησης' και 'καταλύτη' των διακοπών εξαρτάται από το είδος της σχέσης. Δε σημαίνει πως όλα τα ζευγάρια που πάνε διακοπές μαλώνουν όπως φυσικά δε σημαίνει και πως όλα τα ζευγάρια που πάνε διακοπές ξαναερωτεύονται. Με την ίδια ακριβώς λογική δε σημαίνει πως και οι χωριστές ακόμα διακοπές μπορούν να αποβούν αναζωογονητικές ή αντίθετα καταστροφικές. Και στην περίπτωση των χωριστών διακοπών σημασία έχει ο λόγος που επιλέχθηκε ο συγκεκριμένος τρόπος ξεκούρασης. Πάω διακοπές μόνος/η για να αποφύγω το/η σύντροφο και την ένταση στη σχέση μας; για να απολαύσω τους φίλους μου;γιατί ο/η σύντροφος προτίμησε διαφορετικού είδους διακοπών π.χ. Χιόνια αντί για θάλασσα;

Ο στόχος των διακοπών είναι η ξεκούραση και η αναζωογόνηση μέσα από την επίτευξη δύο βασικών αναγκών μας. Την ανάγκη να έρθουμε πιο κοντά στον άλλο αλλά και την ανάγκη να αποστασιοποιηθούμε και να 'ανασάνουμε' μακρυά από τους αγαπημένους μας και ιδιαίτερα όταν πρόκειται για μακροχρόνιες σχέσεις. Όταν και οι δύο σύντροφοι συμφωνήσουν να περάσουν χωριστές διακοπές, τότε συμφωνούν να απολαύσουν ο καθένας τα ιδιαίτερα ενδιαφέροντά του που απεχθάνεται ο άλλος φέροντας σε ισορροπία την ατομική αλλά και δυαδική ψυχική τους υγεία, παράλληλα. Αντιθέτως, η επιλογή χωριστών διακοπών για την αποφυγή των προβλημάτων μάλλον θα αποτελέσει πηγή περισσότερων εντάσεων.

Γενικά, φαίνεται πως καλής ποιότητας σχέσεις δηλαδή σχέσεις που ανθούν και παρέχουν συναισθηματική πληρότητα καθ' όλη τη διάρκεια του έτους δεν επηρεάζονται ιδιαίτερα από τα 'τεστ' των διακοπών (χωριστών ή μαζί) σε σύγκριση με τις σχέσεις που περιμένουν τις διακοπές για να τους φέρουν πιο κοντά ή να τους απομακρύνουν από τα προβλήματα. Αυτό ίσως να οφείλεται στο ότι στις καλής ποιότητας σχέσεις οι δύο σύντροφοι σέβονται και εμπιστεύονται ο ένας τον άλλον καθώς παράλληλα συζητάνε τις επιλογές τους με ειλικρίνεια. Πάνω απ'όλα όμως φαίνεται να γνωρίζουν σε βάθος και τον εαυτό τους -τις ανάγκες, τα θέλω και τις προτεραιότητές τους- και τον/ην σύντροφο -τα θετικά και τα αρνητικά του/ης- και έτσι μπορούν και υποστηρίζουν συνειδητά την επιλογή τους χωρίς να ταλαντεύονται από τη θέα των μεγεθυμένων καταστάσεων που παρέχει το μικροσκόπιο των διακοπών. Ακόμα και στο φαινόμενο της διάχυσης του εργασιακού στρες στις διαπροσωπικές σχέσεις η καλής ποιότητας σχέσεις όπου διαπραγματεύονται το φαινόμενο της εξουθένωσης με τα συμπτώματά του όλη τη διάρκεια του έτους επηρεάζονται πολύ λιγότερο ή και καθόλου σε αντίθεση με τις σχέσεις που κλείνουν τα μάτια στην βεβαρημένη καθημερινότητά τους και προσμένουν τις διακοπές σαν μια φαρμακευτική αγωγή πέντε ημερών που θα τους εξαφανίσει τον πονοκέφαλο (Pines, 1996).



Επομένως, κάνε συνειδητές και πολύ επιλεκτικές επιλογές όταν έχει να κάνει με το/η σύντροφό σου. Αφού επιλέξεις φρόντισε τη σχέση σου σαν να είναι ένα μικρό παιδί που του μαθαίνεις να μιλά. Κανένα παιδί δε μαθαίνει να μιλά μέσα σε πέντε μέρες. Επίσης, ποτέ δε λες σε ένα αναστατωμένο παιδί πως θα το καθησυχάσεις αύριο. Όταν παρουσιαστεί πρόβλημα στη σχέση σου φρόντισε το αμέσως. Μη περιμένεις τις διακοπές. Στις διακοπές το μόνο που θα μπορέσεις να κάνεις είναι επανάληψη στο μάθημα που μαθαίνατε όλη τη χρονιά.



Ιδέες για καλύτερες διακοπές:

· Σκέψου τι ανάγκες έχεις, τι και πως θέλεις τις διακοπές σου.

· Μίλα στο/η σύντροφο για τις προσδοκίες που έχεις εσύ από τις διακοπές και άκου τις δικές του/ης. Βρείτε μέσες λύσεις ώστε να ικανοποιηθείτε και οι δύο.

· Οι διακοπές δεν παγώνουν το χρόνο. Όταν δημιουργείτε πρόβλημα μην αναβάλλεις την αντιμετώπισή του για μετά τις διακοπές γιατί έτσι και αλλιώς θα το κουβαλάς μέσα σου. Μίλησε για αυτό και λύστε το αμέσως! Όσο πιο γρήγορα συζητηθεί τόσο πιο γρήγορα θα απενεργοποιηθεί η βόμβα και θα μπορέσει να απολαύσεις τις υπόλοιπες μέρες.

· Όταν προτιμάτε διαφορετικές απασχολήσεις συμφωνήστε να κινηθείτε χωριστά. Επειδή πηγαίνετε διακοπές μαζί δε σημαίνει ότι πρέπει να είσαστε μαζί 24 ώρες το 24ωρο. Ίσα ίσα ένα μικρό διάλειμμα μπορεί να ωφελήσει. Εξετάστε ακόμα και το ενδεχόμενο χωριστών διακοπών ή ένα μέρος αυτών.

· Μη προσπαθήστε να χωρέσετε τα πάντα σε λίγες μέρες. Άλλωστε οι διακοπές είναι για ξεκούραση!

· Διακοπές σημαίνει ξεφεύγω από την καθημερινότητά. Κάντε διαφορετικά πράγματα και αλλάξτε τη ρουτίνα. Η αλλαγή είναι αυτή που φέρνει την ξεκούραση.

· Μη ξεχνάτε τις διακοπές με το που επιστρέφετε. Οργανώστε βραδιές για να μιλήσετε για αυτές και να δείτε φωτογραφίες, κρατήστε επαφή με άτομα που γνωρίσατε. Χρησιμοποιείτε εμπειρίες των διακοπών στην καθημερινότητά σας.

Πάνω απ' όλα όμως να θυμάσαι πως: Η καλύτερη μέριμνα είναι η πρόληψη. Φρόντισε τη σχέση σου πριν τις διακοπές. Τα προβλήματα δεν θα εξαφανιστούν δια μαγείας μέσα σε πέντε μέρες.



ΠΗΓΗ:

Δημοσιεύτηκε στην εφημερίδα ‘Καστοριανή Εστία’, σελ. 8-9 στις 25.06.15.

Psychosis: The Common Myth That Many Believe

The media regularly contributes to this myth about how delusions and hallucinations affect behaviour.


Delusions and hallucinations — key components of psychosis — very rarely cause acts of violence, a new study finds.

The research, which included 305 violent incidents in the US, strongly refutes the idea that psychosis causes people to commit violent crimes.

Professor Jennifer Skeem, who led the study, said:


“High-profile mass shootings capture public attention and increase vigilance of people with mental illness.

But our findings clearly show that psychosis rarely leads directly to violence.”

Only 12% of violent acts were preceded by psychosis in a particularly high-risk group, the researchers found.

Far more common precedents for violence were anger, substance abuse and access to firearms.

Researchers used data which followed 1,100 people who were discharged from a psychiatric facility.

Out of these, they looked at the small minority of 100 high-risk patients who were involved in at least two violent incidents after their release.


Researchers interviewed the former patients and their friends and family members.

Professor Skeem said:


“We wanted to examine the small group of people with repeated violence and see how consistently these violent incidents were caused by hallucinations and delusions.”

They found that just 12% of violent acts were linked to psychosis.

The results chime with a recent study that found that under 5% of gun-related killings were perpetrated by a person with any kind of mental illness.

In fact, people with a mental illness are more likely to be victims of violent crime than an average person.

Professor Skeem said:


“None of this detracts from the message that people with mental illness need access to psychiatric services.

But it’s important to remember that risk factors for violence — such as substance abuse, childhood maltreatment, neighborhood disadvantage — are mostly shared by people with and without mental illness, and that’s what we should be focused on if maximizing public safety is our goal.”

SOURCE:

http://www.spring.org.uk/2015/05/psychosis-the-common-myth-that-many-believe-disproved.php(accessed 22.5.15)

The study was published in the journal Clinical Psychological Science (Skeem et al., 2015).

Anger

We all feel angry at times; it’s a natural response to threats and attacks, injustice and disappointment.

Anger is a powerful emotion and releasing the pressure that builds inside you can be essential to deal with problems and move on. But if anger isn’t dealt with in a healthy way, it can have a significant effect on your daily life, relationships, achievements and mental well-being.

What is anger?

Anger is one of the most basic human emotions. It is a physical and mental response to a threat or to harm done in the past. Anger takes many different forms from irritation to blinding rage or resentment that festers over many years.


"I get this bubble of rage. I go wild. I feel like crying cos I don’t know how to control myself. It happens too quickly."

At any point in time, a combination of physical, mental and social factors interact to make us feel a certain way. It’s different for each of us. Our feelings are influenced by our emotional make-up, how we view the world, what happens around us and our circumstances. Like other emotions, anger rarely acts alone.

How does anger work?

As we go about our lives, we’re constantly weighing up situations and deciding what we think about them: good or bad, safe or unsafe etc. How we interpret a situation influences how we feel about it. If we think we are in danger, we feel afraid. If we feel we have been wronged, we feel angry. These feelings determine how we react to the situation. We translate meanings into feelings very fast. With anger, that speed sometimes means that we react in ways we later regret.

How do our bodies respond to anger?

Many of our emotions are linked to a particular physical response. Anger gets the mind and body ready for action. It arouses the nervous system, increasing the heart rate, blood pressure, blood flow to muscles, blood sugar level and sweating. It also sharpens the senses and increases the production of adrenalin, a hormone produced at times of stress.

At the same time as these physical changes, anger is thought to affect the way we think. When we are first faced with a threat, anger helps us quickly translate complex information into simple terms: 'right' or 'wrong' for instance. This can be useful in an emergency as we don’t waste valuable time weighing up information that doesn’t instantly affect our safety or well-being.

But it can mean that we act before we've considered what else is relevant and made a rational decision about how to behave. It may be that we need to take more time to look at the situation and deal with it differently. When anger gets in the way of rational thinking we may give way to the urge to act aggressively, propelled by the instinct to survive or protect someone from a threat.

Why do we get angry?

"I could scream down the throat of people who try to crowd into the train before people have the chance to get off."

Reasons for getting angry include:
facing a threat to ourselves or our loved ones
being verbally or physically assaulted
suffering a blow to our self-esteem or our place within a social group
being interrupted when pursuing a goal
losing out when money is at stake
someone going against a principle that we consider important
being treated unfairly and feeling powerless to change this
feeling disappointed by someone else or in ourselves
having our property mistreated.

If we think someone has wronged us on purpose, this can make us angrier. If we’re having a bad day and are in a state of constant tension, we’re more likely to snap when something else goes wrong, even if it’s something that wouldn’t usually bother us.

We may feel angry immediately or only feel angry later when we go back over a situation. Anger can surface years later that has its roots in abuse or neglect long ago. Sometimes anger stays locked inside us for decades because it wasn’t dealt with sufficiently at the time.

How do people behave when they are angry?

"When someone physically threatened my daughter when she was a newborn I exploded. I got a real physical sense of something being different that I haven’t experienced before or since."

Anger isn’t always negative. It can be a force for good. Moral outrage can drive people to campaign for change, right wrongs and enforce the rules that govern our society.

People often think of anger and aggression as the same thing, but they aren’t. Anger is an emotional state and aggression is just one of the ways that people behave when they are angry. Aggression often takes over when people act on their instinct to protect themselves or others. Alcohol can make some people act more aggressively and drug use can similarly lower our inhibitions.

People often express their anger verbally. They may:
shout
threaten
use dramatic words
bombard someone with hostile questions
exaggerate the impact on them of someone else's action.

Some people who are angry get their own back indirectly by making other people feel guilty and playing on that guilt. Others develop a cynical attitude and constantly criticise everything, but never address problems constructively.

Some people internalise their anger. They may be seething inside and may physically shake, but they don’t show their anger in the way they behave when they are around other people.

People who internalise their anger may self harm when they are angry as a way of coping with intense feelings they can’t express another way. This may give temporary relief from the angry feelings, but it doesn’t solve the problems in the long-term.

What kind of problems can be linked to anger?

Anger in itself is neither good nor bad; it becomes a problem when it harms us or other people. Anger is the emotion most likely to cause problems in relationships in the family, at work and with friends. People with a long term anger problem tend to be poor at making decisions, take more risks than other people and are more likely to have a substance misuse problem.

Long term and intense anger has been linked with mental health problems including depression, anxiety and self-harm. It is also linked to poorer overall physical health as well as particular conditions, such as:
high blood pressure
colds and flu
coronary heart disease
stroke
cancer
gastro-intestinal problems.

How can managing my anger help me?

"If I could have expressed my anger more openly and constructively it would have been less damaging to me. Otherwise you carry the hurt with you."

Most people get angry quite often, but their anger is within a normal and healthy range. Other people experience anger frequently and intensely enough for it to interfere with their everyday life.

Both sets of people can benefit from learning how to deal with their anger more effectively. There’s lots of evidence to suggest that managing your anger in a healthy way can help people look after their mental and physical health, feel more positive about themselves, achieve their goals, solve problems and enjoy relationships with the people around them.

Anger can lead you to action, or even violence, you will regret. Bottling up your anger for a long time isn’t a good thing either. It’s important to deal with anger and move on, not let it stew inside you.

How can I manage my own anger?
Buy time

When you feel the first surge of anger boiling up inside you, pause for a moment. Think about what has made you angry, think about the consequences of exploding in a rage and then choose how to respond.

Even in the middle of an argument, it’s not too late to take a deep breath and choose to express your feelings differently. Give rational thinking time to kick in.
Count to ten before you act.
Drop your shoulders and breathe deeply to help you relax - your instincts may be telling your body to get ready to fight, but your rational self can reverse this message by telling your body to chill out.
If you feel the urge to throw something or hit out, remove yourself from the situation and try taking it out on something soft like a cushion that you won’t damage and which won’t hurt you.
Try screaming if it won’t disturb people near you or scream into a pillow to release your tension.
Talk yourself down – imagine what your calmest friend would say to you and give yourself the same advice
Imagine yourself in a relaxing scene.
Distract yourself or take yourself out of the situation that made you angry - read a magazine, do a crossword, listen to soothing music, go for a walk.
Pour out how you feel in writing or redirect your energy into another creative activity.
Offload to a friend who will help you get perspective on the situation.

There are other activities which may help you almost immediately, later the same day or if you make them part of your lifestyle longer term.
Work off your anger through exercise - channelling your energy into exercise instead will increase the release of feel good brain chemicals called endorphins which help us relax.
Use relaxation techniques like yoga or meditation - techniques like these challenge the physical aspects of anger, such as the brain chemicals that prepare you to fight, before these chemicals lead you to act impulsively.

Be assertive

Being assertive is a healthy way to express anger. Take ownership of the situation and your feelings.
Tell people that you are feeling angry and why.
Talk slowly and clearly.
Use the word "I" to make it about you, not about them.
Make requests rather than demands or threats.
Say "I could" and "I might" instead of "I must" or "I should".

Good communication skills can help you get your message across. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to other people's point of view. Assuming you know where they stand can create a problem where there is none and escalate a situation from bad to worse.
Know yourself

"Now I can control it. I just think 'For goodness sake'. I recognise the situation for what it is."

In the longer term, it can be really helpful to work out what makes you angry and how it makes you behave. Think about it when you're not feeling angry. Talk it through with someone who you trust and who knows you well.
What triggers your anger?
What signs tell you that you're on the brink of uncontrolled anger?
Have you fallen into any unhelpful patterns of behaviour?
What have the consequences been?
What works to calm you down?
Are there any triggers in your daily routine or your environment that you could change?

Protect your mental health

People in good mental health are better able to cope when things go wrong; feeling stressed makes it harder for us to cope with problems. The following are some of the things known to be good for our mental health.
Keep physically active.
Eat a balanced diet - some foods are more effective than others at supplying us with a steady flow of fuel to help us function well, while nutrients found in certain foods can affect mood in different ways.
Drink sensibly, however tempted you may be to improve your mood with a drink or by using drugs.
Keep in touch with friends and loved ones – talk about your feelings with them and ask for help when you need it.
Take time to relax and enjoy yourself.
Accept who you are and do something you’re good at.
Care for others.

"Now I play the drums. It’s a very good way of dealing with my anger. Then I feel worked up, I think 'I'm just going to pound something for a few hours.' It works really quickly. It takes my mind off it and then I just enjoy playing."
How can I deal with other people's anger?

Being on the receiving end of anger or just being a witness to it can be tough. If other people's anger is having a bad effect on you, you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Anger tends to be catching, but staying calm yourself can help both of you. If you get angry as well, things can quickly escalate.
Bear in mind the tactics that calm people down - use them yourself and remind the other person what can help them relax or distract themselves.
Help them to consider why they are angry and encourage them to explain it to you calmly.
Explain that sometimes anger is justified, but it can also make people lose perspective - unnecessary aggression makes things worse.

It may help to take yourself away from an angry person. Give them time to cool down, wait a few minutes, then talk to them when they seem less agitated and may be more able to look at the situation neutrally.

No one needs to put up with violence. If you are afraid or feel threatened by someone's anger, you should ask for help. If you have been assaulted, call the police.

Where can I go for further help?

If you are worried about your own anger or another aspect of your mental health, go to your GP is a good place to start. They may be able to suggest ways you can manage your anger yourself or they may refer you for further support. You may be able to get help on the NHS or, if you can afford it, pay for it yourself.

Talking therapies such as counselling or CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) can help people explore what makes them angry, work out why anger has become a problem for them and learn how to change the way they respond to the situations that typically make them angry. Talking therapies are usually provided over a course of several weeks or months.

Anger management courses often involve counselling and group work with other people with similar problems. The courses take place either over a day or a weekend or in sessions over a period of weeks.

Domestic violence programmes help people whose anger leads them to violence against members of their family. They usually help people take responsibility for their actions and understand their impact on those close to them. They may also ask people to change other parts of their life such as addressing any problems with alcohol or drugs.

Local support groups can be a way for people with a problem in common to share their experiences and support and encourage each other to change their behaviour. They may be led by someone who has themselves had a problem with anger in the past.

Faith leaders or others of the same community can help people reflect and get perspective on a situation that has made them angry. They will help set the situation in the context of the values that the faith follows.

Anger management courses

The British Association of Anger Management runs weekend and evening courses for people who want help dealing with their own anger and for people who work with those who have difficulties with their anger.
The British Association of Anger Management
Call 0845 1300 286

Talking therapies

You can find more information about talking therapies and how to find a therapist on our information page.

Relate can help people talk through relationship difficulties, whether they are married, living together, in a same-sex relationship, separated, divorced or single. There is a fee for Relate counselling.



Getting Help

Get help for yourself or someone you know.

SOURCE:

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-a-z/A/anger/(accessed 30.4.15)

Loneliness is a disease that changes the brain's structure and function

Loneliness increases the risk of poor sleep, higher blood pressure, cognitive and immune decline, depression, and ultimately an earlier death. Why? The traditional explanation is that lonely people lack life’s advisors: people who encourage healthy behaviours and curb unhealthy ones. If so, we should invest in pamphlets, adverts and GP advice: ignorance is the true disease, loneliness just a symptom.

But this can’t be the full story. Introverts with small networks aren’t at especial health risk, and people with an objectively full social life can feel lonely and suffer the consequences. A new review argues that for the 800,000 UK citizens who experience it all or most of the time, loneliness itself is the disease: it directly alters our perception, our thoughts, and the very structure and chemistry of our brains. The authors – loneliness expert John Cacioppo, his wife Stephanie Cacioppo, and their colleague John Capitanio – build their case on psychological and neuroscientific research, together with animal studies that help show loneliness really is the cause, not just the consequence, of various mental and physical effects.

The review suggests lonely people are sensitive to negative social outcomes and accordingly their responses in social settings are dampened. We know the former from reaction time tasks involving negative social words (lonely people respond faster), and tasks involving the detection of concealed pain in faces (lonely people are extra sensitive when the faces are dislikeable). Functional imaging evidence also shows lonely people have a suppressed neural response to rewarding social stimuli, which reduces their excitement about possible social contact; they also have dampened activity in brain areas involved in predicting what others are thinking – possibly a defence mechanism based on the idea that it’s better not to know. All this adds up to what the authors characterise as a social "self-preservation mode."

Meanwhile, animal models are helping us to understand the deeper, biological correlates associated with loneliness. For mice, being raised in isolation depletes key neurosteroids including one involved in aggression; it reduces brain myelination, which is vital to brain plasticity and may account for the social withdrawal and inflexibility seen in isolated animals; and it can influence gene expression linked to anxious behaviours.

What about changes to our neural tissue? Human research is suggestive: in one study, people who self-identified as lonelier were more likely to develop dementia. Here, initial cognitive decline could be causing loneliness, but animal work gives us some plausible mechanisms for loneliness’ impact: animals kept in isolation have suppressed growth of new neurons in areas relating to communication and memory, just as very social periods such as breeding season see a pronounced spike in growth.

Other basic brain processes are also upset by isolation. Isolated mice show reduced delta-wave activity during deep sleep; and their inflammatory responses also change, meaning that in one study, three in five isolated mice died following an induced stroke, whereas every one of their cage-sharing peers survived the same process.

The research is clear that loneliness directly impacts health, so we need to do what we can to help people free themselves from social marginalisation. I’ve seen one approach during my time serving with time banking charities, in which people give their own time in return for someone else’s in a different situation – a process that can build social networks. Also the issue is acquiring momentum through the Campaign to End Loneliness and technology solutions such as the RSA’s Social Mirror project – an app that tells people about local social groups and activities. Mainstream health is also picking this up under the term “social prescription” (physicians advise patients of social groups and activities and “facilitators” help the patients take up the opportunities). But amongst all the institutional activity, we mustn’t forget our individual duties: sometimes all that’s needed is to reach out.

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SOURCE:

http://digest.bps.org.uk/2014/11/loneliness-is-disease-that-changes.html?utm_source=BPS_Lyris_email&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Newsletter(accessed 5.12.14)

Cacioppo, S., Capitanio, J., & Cacioppo, J. (2014). Toward a neurology of loneliness. Psychological Bulletin, 140 (6), 1464-1504 DOI: 10.1037/a0037618

The Big Money Test - results

The results of BBC Lab UK's Big Money Test show that there is far more to managing your money than financial know-how. Here Professor Adrian Furnham, Professor Mark Fenton-O'Creevy and Dr Sophie von Stumm reveal what they have learned from the test, launched in April 2011 by money saving expert Martin Lewis.

Why are so many people confused when it comes to managing their money? Huge efforts go into providing people with information to help them manage their money successfully. But these schemes have limited success.

We believe that many factors come into play when we make decisions about money. These include our emotions, beliefs and motivations, as well as our money habits, access to information and financial knowledge. We created the Big Money Test, to unpick how these factors make up our complex relationship with money.

Martin Lewis's money saving tips from The Big Money Test

Thanks to the more than 109,000 people that took part, this is one of the largest studies of money psychology ever.

What did we learn?

For the first time ever, we looked at the relationship between how money makes us feel (money motivations), financial capability and money problems. Our results show clearly that there is more to how we manage our money than financial capability. These are our key discoveries:

While financial knowledge is important, our emotions play a big part in how well we manage our money

Money makes many people feel worried, guilty and anxious

Impulse shopping can lead to disastrous financial problems

If money makes you feel powerful you are more likely to encounter money problems, but if money makes you feel secure you are less likely to

Being able to make ends meet is crucial for us to be able to manage our money well, more so than financial knowledge

Attitude to money and financial success tend to improve with age, even more so for men than women

Read on to find out about the results in detail.

Money makes me feel bad

We looked at negative emotions people associate with money and discovered:

Over 40% of people said they constantly worried about spending money

Half agreed that they resent paying the full price for goods in shops

Nearly half said they were flooded with guilt and anxiety when they asked for money

Over a third said they felt anxious when spending money on themselves

A third said they thought about money all the time

These results show that money generates powerful negative emotions. To help people improve their financial capability, we need to tackle people's emotional relationship with money - help them feel more positive and confident about it - if we are to succeed in helping them improve their financial capability.

Impulse buying

We've all done it. You only needed a pint of milk, but on the way out you spot those chocolates on offer and it seems too good to miss. Impulse buying can give us a boost, but what is it doing to our finances? Consumer research often argues that impulse buying is harmless or even a good thing, as it saves us time. But the Big Money Test reveals that for some people the results can be disastrous.

People who bought goods impulsively were three times more likely to go bankrupt, and four times more likely to run out of money by the end of the week. And impulse buying has a greater impact on our ability to make ends meet than financial knowledge, income, education and social class combined. As it can lead to financial problems, is it ethical for retailers to encourage us to buy things on the spur of the moment?

Our results suggest that people who shop impulsively do so to manage their emotions - to make themselves happy, or to stop feeling sad. This may be because they find it hard to manage their moods in other ways. If you recognise that you shop impulsively, you could help avoid potential money problems by adopting new ways of managing your emotions.

Security and Power

Money motivations

Psychologists have identified four types of money motivation:

Security - the extent you use money to feel safe and to avoid feeling anxious about problems you may encounter in the future

Power - the extent you use money to achieve power and influence over others

Love - the degree to which you use money to buy people's affection

Freedom - the extent you use money to do the things you enjoy in life

We wanted to know how the way you feel about money (your money motivation) affects your chance of suffering financial problems.

We found that if money makes you feel powerful you are more likely to encounter financial problems, perhaps from buying status symbols beyond your means, while those who get security from money were less likely to struggle with their finances.

If money gives you a sense of security it could push you to develop the financial skills you need to save and avoid financial crises. Encouraging positive money motivations, like security, should be used to help improve people's financial capability.

Making ends meet

We looked at financial capability, which is how good you are at:

Making ends meet every month

Planning ahead for the future

Keeping track of your finances

Staying informed about financial developments, such as interest rates and house price fluctuations

The Big Money Test results reveal that the skill of making ends meet makes you less likely to suffer money problems. Staying informed about economic developments helps, but to a lesser degree.

If you have a low income and find it hard to make ends meet, it makes sense to keep track of your finances and plan how you spend your money carefully. And we found that people who earn less had higher scores for keeping track.

Surprisingly, we found that people who are good at keeping track of their finances or planning ahead for the future are more likely to have financial problems. One likely explanation for this is that when people first encounter money troubles they start to monitor their finances closely, to avoid falling into a deeper financial trouble.

As we expected, our results have shown that how well we manage our finances (financial capability) and what money means to us (money motivation) both affect how well we manage our money.

Good financial capability is linked to higher levels of income and education, while money motivations are not.

Gender and age

The Big Money Test revealed some distinct differences between men and women and people of different ages:

Women tend to be worried spenders and shop as a form of therapy to manage their emotions

Men are more likely than women to associate money with freedom and the ability to achieve goals

Men tend to feel that money provides security and so are more likely to save, or even hoard their money

Women are much more generous with their money; this was the biggest difference between the sexes

Women are more likely to suffer from (or admit to suffering from) money problems

Impulsive shopping tends to decrease with age

Unexpected overdrafts and refusal of credit are most common for people in their twenties

Bankruptcy and other serious money problems tend to happen later in life

Unexpected life events

Redundancy, major illness and child birth (or adoption) all tend to increase our risk of financial problems and reduce our ability to make ends meet each month. But recent retirement leads to improved financial health. This is likely to be thanks to good financial planning to cope with a lower retirement income.

Our results suggest that your emotional relationship with money makes a big difference to whether an unexpected life event will lead to major financial difficulties.

Frequency of financial problems

Denial of credit or unexpected overdraft were the most frequent money problems (about 25% of the sample), while bankruptcy and car or house repossession were comparatively rare (less than 1% of the sample). These proportions are comparable with nationwide data provided by the Consumer Credit Counselling Service, 2012.

Who took part?

A total of 109,472 people (55% women, 45% men) participated in the experiment. The sample was predominantly white British, had an average age of 40 and a mix of educational attainment.

All participants defined themselves as working or middle class. More than 60% were working full-time and the same proportion said they were the major wage earner in their household.

The people who took part in this online experiment don't represent the UK public as a whole. However we were able to use the data collected to generate meaningful results about the relationship that people have with money. Read an article from BBC Lab UK's Big Stress Test to see how we can get valid results from an online survey.

SOURCE:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/0/21360144(accessed 23.9.14)